The Only Exception
by watchingmewatchingu
Summary: *ABANDONED* Bella is left broken hearted when Edward ends their relationship, she finds comfort in her best friend, another Cullen. this takes place after New Moon and just to clarify I have yet to finish reading Breaking Dawn
1. Reality Bites

"Full moon." Alice glanced up to see the bright light from the moon, shine through the half open window. "What's your deepest fear, Bella?"

'_My deepest fear?_'  
I cuddled up to her, put my head on her shoulder, pulled the blanket up to my chin. Her cold body pressed against mine, yet I felt the warmth, Maybe it was from my own. "What are you afraid of?" I kept repeating her questions in my head, searching for an answer, coming up empty handed every time.

"We're all meant to shine as children do." She wasn't making any sense, _'shine as children do.'_ "Bella, do you feel inadequate? Afraid that you're not enough? For Charlie? For me? For, him?" What was she getting at? When I close my eyes all I see is him, still. Frightened of what Alice premonition would hold, I said nothing, because sooner or later she would figure it all out.

"Alice?" She stroked my hair and I could feel her cold lips make contact with my forehead, a trail of wet little kisses coming down my nose. "Hm?" Her haunting beauty, that once had scared me into believing that I wasn't good enough for her, or that I never would be. Because how could such perfection, a creature of such pureness, care for someone so lost and delirious like me, or even love?

'_Love_' A powerful word indeed. "Have you talked to...?" I didn't dare say his name, in fear of the pain that would surely come rushing at me like sharp razor blades. Cutting through mushy human flesh, white bone showing. And this is where I always start to itch and Alice pulls away.

"I should go." She knew I would protest. "Just stay. Please, stay with me?" Sometimes she would give in. She would stay until sunrise and leave before Charlie's staggering footsteps could be heard from down the hall.

Falling asleep in her arms was at times intimidating, yet comfortable, if a little chilly. I loved those moments, the moments when I would feel 100% loved, like I belonged, like I was content in the world.

When Alice leaves, he enters my dreams and I can't sleep.

"Esme told me to invite you over. Dinner." Dinner at the Cullens, it had been so long. I already knew who would not be there. My life was complete and utter chaos. Everything was out of order.

"I'm a mess, everything's a mess. I can't go." Alices' pale porceleine face beamed in the moonlight. Her pretty skin, against mine. Her cold hands tracing mine, fingernails scraping against backs, sharp teeth drawing blood, tongues fighting for domination.

_I can't breathe_.

When I open my eyes, she's gone. The only proof that she was ever here are the scratch and bite marks and the dried blood.

I'm sweating, in the middle of November, I lay naked and alone in my bed, longing for her, craving her touch, her scent.  
"Oh Alice." How could I ever know if it was love or simply just, sex?

Maybe love just is. It's everything. Because when you've found it, it's yours, forever and if you move, you'll fall.  
I had fallen, hard. Whether it was good or bad, I did not know.


	2. The Lies You Want To Feel

My morning routines had fallen back to the norm. I thought they would've changed drastically since him and I were no longer together, but everything was pretty much the same. On school days I would get up at 6:30, have a shower, get dressed and be ready by 7 sharp. Fix breakfast for Charlie, eat a little myself, if I have the appetite. At 7:15 Alice would knock on the door, telling me to stop dragging my butt. she'd come in and sit for a while, chat with Charlie and then we'd leave for school.

The best part about dating yet another Cullen was that nobody cared, but secretly they all despised us for being together. Not that it bothered either Alice or me, because how could it?  
We didn't need anybody else.

Alice newly arrival back to Forks High had been somewhat of a daze. Even though most of the kids didn't care, some had never noticed she was even gone. Seeing how there was no change in either parties involved, I was still the same spaz and she was still as mysterious and beautiful as ever. The rest of them might as well have disappeared, because when I was around Alice Cullen, no one else mattered, no one else existed. Her perfection out shined us all.

"Bella? You ready?" The steaming hot cup of tea I held in my hands soothed my soul. The chamomile filled my nostrils and the smell of a new life was suddenly born. "For school?" Was one ever ready for school? How do you get yourself out of bed in the morning, knowing what you're about to face? I don't know, life's a roller coaster, we're all in it for the ride, through its ups and downs.

"Come on spaz, let's get going. Have a nice day Charlie." He looked up from his morning paper and smiled widely. "Why thank you. You girls behave, dinner at 6:30 Bells?" With hardly any time to grab my jacket, Alice grabbed my hand and literally pulled me out the door. "We'll be there." I yelled back at him, unsure if he'd heard me or not.

In her car, the windows were tinted. I liked it because I didn't have to keep my hands to myself, they could wander freely.

It had been months since I'd seen the rest of the Cullens, almost a whole year since I'd seen him. "I know what you're thinking." Oh no. My eyes flew from side to side, in search of a focus point, finally just landing outside the window. "I saw him last week you know, he says hi." Well, that was a first. 365 days and he says hi? "You still love him, don't you?" There was no way to give her a satisfying answer without lying, so I sat there, saying nothing. Complete silence filled the air. In a way it felt sort of, good.

When Alice pulled up to the school parking lot, I realized that I wouldn't see her again until lunch. "Wait." She looked at me, her eyes seemed hallow, like a mirrored reflection of myself, it was just like I was seeing through all of my own bullshit. "Are you mad?" She simply shook her head and I felt at ease. "Good. I don't want you mad at me. See you at lunch?" Her face didn't change, it still looked the same, dull and emotionless. "I guess."

It always confused me when she got like this. Quiet and drawn back, expressionless and... boring. It usually had something to do with, _him_. We never talked about _him_. Well, almost never. Tonight, I would confront her. Set things straight.

I kissed her gently on the cheek, before we parted ways, actually, it was more of a peck. People were looking, glaring with their human judging eyes, burning holes into my back. Did they not have lives of their own? Or was mine just interesting enough to fill that void we all share, the void of curiosity, wasn't that what killed the cat? We still the hunger by feeding it lies and deceptions.  
I didn't care, I couldn't care less.


	3. Oh Alice

Surprisingly enough, Mike sat down next to me in English . I don't think I would've even noticed if he hadn't said _'hi'_. He was my knight in shining armor, for now anyway. He knew that and it satisfied him to the fullest possible extent of his wishes.  
When the clock turned 12 we both knew that would be it, that would be the only thing he would ever be. My knight in shining armor, until it was time for lunch, until I could see my Alice again.

Mike liked the idea of almost being back in my life again, even if it were only for a couple of hours every other day. He had started to ease his way back into my life and I had accepted it, as soon as he had forgiven me for my past mistakes and any possible future mistakes as well. That's what friends are for, if anything. "Would you like to sit with us?" Thought I'd ask, otherwise I wouldn't hear the end of it. "Are you going to be all lovey-dovey?"

Nobody seemed to mind. I guess because not everybody knew the truth. After all I had gone through with her dearest brother, it wasn't like I could walk up to Charlie and say: '_Hey dad, how was work? Oh by the way, you know Alice Cullen? Yeah, she's my gay lover.'_ Gay lover? even in my head that sounded so wrong. I didn't want to put us in a box. We didn't need to be labeled. I knew with perfect clarity who I was. I needed no definition of any sort. A definition of who you are, tell me that isn't rather tacky.

"No, we're going to be Alice and Bella." At school we didn't show our affection as much. We did sit at the Cullen's table and my friends would join at times. We mostly had it to ourselves though. This day was different, I had felt it the moment I'd opened my eyes that morning and seen that she was gone. It probably had something to do with why Alice had been acting so strange.

As I took a seat, I noticed her in the corner of my eye. I tried getting her attention by waving. She was holding a tray with simply a diet coke on it, but who was she talking to? We made eye contact, although she immediately looked away. Edward. It was Edward.

"Edward?" As I pushed my chair back and stood up, it fell to the floor. All heads were turned to face me. People started clapping, applauding my clumsiness. Ignoring my burning eyes and my blushing cheeks, I walked straight up to them. "Bella." He said in a low voice. I stretched out my hand to touch his flawless face, but he quickly grabbed it and pushed it away. "Alice, what's going on?" He asked her.

In this moment, I felt helpless. I just wanted to run. Knowing nobody would stop me, I did so. I ran. Away from school, away from the Cullens, away from my so called life.

Once outside, the cold dry air hit me hard. I had to catch my breath and let my lungs get used to the change of scenery. Suddenly I realized that my truck was not in the lot, but in the driveway back at home. I had to weigh my pros against my cons. Walk of shame back into class? Versus the long walk of shame home. After having stood outside in the dead of a Forks winter, I settled for the pros, the con's might include me getting a ride from Mike, it was something I couldn't deal with right now.

"Bella?" It was Alice. I turned around to witness the saddest look I'd ever seen. "What's happening to us?" Her words sounded so soft in my ears, like a melody that echoed somewhere in the distance. Her hand, so cold, with the lightest of touches she brushed it against my reddened cheek. I turned away from her, gave her the cold shoulder. "Oh I'm sorry, I forgot how you don't like to be touched." A chill drew over me and for a split second I forgot where I was.

"Alice." I sighed deeply, she closed her eyes. "Don't do this to me." She whispered. "Bella, I love you." I couldn't do it. I couldn't break up with her, yet I couldn't stay with her. "Don't look at me that way." Her puppy dog eyes gleaming, holding back tears and sniffles. I thought about Jasper, for the first time in months. This had been unfair. "I'm sorry Alice. I've been holding you back. I can't do this anymore. I've never been happier, but when that happiness disappears, it's like I vanish along with it. That familiar hole in my heart is re opened. I love you Alice, so much. I love you enough, to let you go." I had come to terms, that the crease on my forehead was permanent by now.

Alice placed her thumb on it, to try and stretch it out. She kissed me and my tensed muscles eased up. A tear rolled down her pale cheek. "You just don't leave when you love someone." She was right, you don't. Even if I'd let her go, there was no way that I would find a way for us to still be friends. _'It's-not-you-it's-me'_ fairy tales don't always have a happy ending. When we find 'the one' we'll fight and cry and smile, we'll laugh and we'll fuck, but we'll never be just friends. We would be in love until it killed us.

"It's because of him, isn't it? It's Edward, that's why you're doing this. You're wrong for that one." She squinted her eyes as she stared into mine. With both of her hands Alice grabbed my face. There was a small gap between us, yet she seemed so far away. "Your eyes, that brightness. That damn brightness, when you lie, I hate it."

What the hell was wrong with me? Everything had been perfect. Although I think we both knew, somewhere, in the back of our minds, that if he ever came back, things would change. I don't think either one of us saw it coming, not really anyway. Edward would always be Edward, but Alice, she was on a completely different level, she was something else, in every way there was. She was my best friend.

How do I even begin to describe her...


	4. This Heart

Alice Cullen screams everything you want and need. Alice Cullen is that craving we find burning within our souls. When we're not sure what we're actually after, she is the answer to all of our questions. Alice Cullen is the ultimate secret to life, hell she might even be life itself.

There were two people in this world who had seen my past, my so obvious flaws and those two were Alice and Edward Cullen. They both had told me that my rough edges were beyond beautiful.  
"Bella, don't treat me like I'm already gone. I'm not. I will stay where you are, always."

I felt the numbness take over. My brain stopped my words from coming out, words that so desperately needed to be said.  
I stood frozen in time.

It started to rain. Typical Washington weather, typical Forks. I had so much that I wanted to tell her, but in this moment ever word that wanted out was going to be those of regret. There was no time for apologies, no time for feeling sorry.

Why did love have to be so difficult? It's great when you have it, when it's yours, you're head over heels. When you lose it? That's when the nightmares begin. Sometimes love doesn't last the way you hope it will, but if you get through the pain, it'll last in ways that are more precious, maybe?

"Bella, you're fragile. I don't want to break you and I don't want you to be alone." But I was always alone, in my head, I was always alone. Alice was right, I was fragile. If she was no longer by my side, who would put me back together again? "You don't have to explain yourself, okay. I've seen you cry, so many times and I wish that I could take away the hurt and mend the hole in your heart that he left." Alice, oh my sweet Alice. It feels like my heart is breaking, why am I so sad?

No one ever cares to talk about heartbreak, not really anyway. True heartbreak is something so private, it's sacred and it hurts like nothing else.

She took my hands in hers and placed them on my heaving chest. "Feel that? It's rare. Most people don't have it, it's what makes you special Bella, it's what makes you, you." I loved how a simple touch from her could make me feel it, everywhere. I wanted that feeling to last forever.

"Save me." Automatically my eyes closed and I found comfort in my girlfriends open arms. I'd never felt such warmth, yet she was as cold as the winter snow. The rain soaked us, my long hair stuck to her face, like a wet dogs fur. "Can we go? Let's just go." Alice frowned. "Go, where?" My mind started racing, it tried to find some place safe, some place where we didn't have to hide. "I don't know, but I promise you that once we get there, you will be the first to know."

As we started to walk away, hand in hand, my stupid eyes couldn't help to look back and there he stood. Alice pulled on my sleeve, yet my eyes wouldn't look away. He was so perfect, they were so perfect and here I stood, between the two, in the middle of it all, blinded by their extraordinarity. "Let's go Bella." I couldn't do anything but let myself get pulled away from all of the pureness. "Alice! Don't do this, I'm warning you." His growls echoed through the thick trees surrounding us. My tears weren't bothering me half as much as my heart pounding through my chest, trying to break through, hurting and aching, so painfully.

"Bella, you're okay. Don't let go of my hand. Keep walking, don't look back alright? Bella? Okay? Look at me." With her free hand she lifted my chin. I felt forced to look into her eyes. "I can't do this for you. I can stand by you in all that you decide to do. I can give you advice along the way, I can push you to the edge, but ultimately you have to be the one who takes the fall on your own. I promise you that I will be there to catch you, before you hit the bottom."

Her voice, so soft, her words danced on the perfectly shaped raindrops falling from the gray sky . Alice eyes softened and the haunting look came back. I could feel my feet touch the ground in the middle of the pouring rain. "I've been so selfish." Alice was my safe haven and I had been pushing her away, when I should be fighting to keep her. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."  
Unknowingly I had begun to sound like that broken record I disliked so much. 'I'm sorry' Everyone is always sorry. "Let's go home?" A grin appeared on her face. "Let's."


	5. It Beats For Only You

Together we laid back to bed in my bed. I just couldn't face her and she seemed to feel the same. "Would you like me to make you some tea?" The movement from behind me, as she moved closer, made me nudge. "I'm sorry." She brushed the hair out of my face. "Are you hungry, because if you are, I'll make you something to eat." Normally, in a situation like this, one should feel nothing but gratitude. Instead I only felt anger and frustration.

Her hand discretely unbuttoned my shirt as she swirled me, like a figure skater, like a ballerina, we danced through the night.  
In other words, I skipped out on tea and supper that night.

I figured I would have a good nights sleep, why, I don't know and maybe that should teach me to stop assuming in general.

I was awoke by a loud thud. Looking up, I noticed that the thud actually came from me, hitting the floor. My feet were cold and my hands searched around the floor. "Alice!" My foggy mind seemed to clear and my cluttered thoughts returned to those of sane. I got to my knees and saw her laying in the bed, eyes closed, but surely not asleep. "What did you dream about?" Angry that she hadn't even offered to help me up, I replied with the most childish answer I could think of, which was; _'Nothing'_ Alice scoffed. "What _nothing_ dream leaves you ending up on the floor? That was not a _nothing_ dream, that was definitely a _something_ dream."

Something, nothing, what was the difference anyway and why did it matter? "Edward." I had said his name under my breath in hopes that she hadn't heard me, but when I went to repeat it, she stopped me. "I heard you."

I couldn't even pretend that I hadn't seen this coming. It all just seemed to be happening way too fast. "It's like someone's constantly inside my mind, changing things completely, turning order into chaos. Forcing me to chase after a goal that's not existent. I wish I could just turn it off." I couldn't read her face. "Turn what off?" Realizing that there is no actual rewind button to any of my mistakes, I had to tell her, she had to know how I truly felt inside. "My heart." She let out a smile that warmed my soul.

"Don't wish that. I want you to wake up every morning and bubble wrap your heart, I want you to be happy, you deserve nothing less. Tell me when you've reached that place, that which holds all your happiness, then, maybe we could share it?" Here I sat, in the middle of my room, on the cold wooden floor and I had no idea if I would ever be okay again. What would become of me, when I was throwing away the best thing that had ever happened to me?

"I don't think you understand, Alice. Whatever I do it all comes back to you. I always come back to you. So, I should just, stop." Alice wasn't smiling anymore. She seemed distraught and none present. "Stop what? Stop living?" _Oh no, I didn't really say that, did I?_ "I didn't say that."

"Then what are you saying?" Her voice cracked mid sentence and I could literally feel her pain, because it was my pain as well. "I'm saying that, I should stop, being human. He once told me, he wanted me to be human and now I don't have to, not really anyway. Because now I have you Alice." If this didn't work then the procedure that fallowed would be very simple.  
"That doesn't mean anything, I can't help you with your little problem." _Step one_, **denial**. "But, you promised. You even said you'd change me yourself, you told the Volturi, there's no getting around it."  
"You've got a lot of heart Bella, I'll give you that. But this whole obsession of yours? It goes against everything I believe in, everything he believes in. It goes against his wants. Bella, he wants so much for you, as do I."

In my dreams the scenes that fallowed, were always played out differently. In my dreams I'm someone else, someone who's never been heartbroken and the world? the world is different, because it's not broken, no wars, no evil, just, happiness, all around. Every time I open my eyes, I wish I could retreat, back into my dreams, back into my world. At least there, I have hope of finding a more perfect reality. Our dreams may be a little strange to us sometimes, but most of the time life is stranger and the only way to wake up is to face what lies hidden. But in all honesty, when the dream dies, that's when I want to pull away.

_Step tw__o_, **anger**. "You lied to me." Alice shook her head, yet managed to stay calm and collected. _Step three_, **bargaining**. "I love you. I chose to be with you because I love you. But you deserve someone better, someone who is good for you, someone who is not, me. So maybe. Maybe..." I couldn't breathe. "We should take a break?" Nothing I said seemed to matter, either that or she simply wasn't listening to a single word I'd been saying. Or maybe she had been doing exactly that, listening. "Please don't do that, don't pretend you care. Don't you dare re write the past. If you want me to go, if you want me to leave, then don't make this about what I do or don't deserve, at least have the decency to admit that you're a coward." _Step fou__r_, **depression**. _And here is the deepest secret that nobody knows_. "Fine. I'm a coward. Now leave." _Step five_, **acceptance**. _I carry her heart, I carry it in mine_.


	6. Boot Into Safe Mode

_'Every night I save you'_

Her face disappeared along with my dream, as soon as I opened my eyes. Her face, Alice face. I hated when dreams felt so real, more real than the actual reality. Because in the end a dream is nothing but just that, _a dream_. I'd been told that there was a huge difference between staying alive and living, right now I didn't know if I was doing either. All I knew was that I was trying my hardest to keep my mind off the '_cant's_'

There was a time, amid all the chaos and gunfire in my head, when I was lost in all my selfish thoughts and figured it was all on me.  
I'd let my heart win.  
My thoughts were anything but clear, still I managed.

School was becoming a chore, more than anything. I'd gone back to my old friends. They'd all accepted and let me back into the group, all except for Jessica. She was sickened by my behaviour and it was understandable. She wasn't going to let me off the hook this time, the others didn't really care, it wasn't as if I was present anyway.  
I was trying so hard to be happy, because I thought, that if I became happy again, then maybe everything would go back to normal, but nothing would ever be normal again.

Love doesn't come with instructions, there is no manual. If there is, I got screwed.

We all have those days where we break down and cry because there are so many things that are wrong with this world, it comes to the point where we're ready to give up.  
Those days may be hard, but in the end it's always the nights are the worst.

_'Dear Alice. Once again I'm sitting in this room that I happen to hate beyond words, on this bed that I dread to fall asleep in, every night and every hour of the day. It's all routine by now, it's something you do because you have to. The pieces fall into place and you fallow, not because you want to, but because it's the right thing to do. My dreams about you have become so vivid. They're bizarre and abnormal, at the same time so gracefully and... I don't know, fragile? They're so, colorful and they always seem to provide me with the fairytale endings. In that world, I find myself asking you why our world is so broken and everything seems so shitty and I imagine you'd say something similar to: "that's the way it goes" and when I wake up, I think back of your could be answer and I realize, that this is life, usually this is the way it goes, but we mustn't forget that it goes the other way too._

_There are some important things that I need you to know, Alice.  
You are my favorite girl.  
You wear my favorite smile._

_Alice you've taken me on a journey through my wildest imagination. I got thrown into a world much unlike my own. A world full of magic, hope and promises. Promises of something better. A beautiful exploration of our tortured existence. I watched as a new world was created before my very own eyes, through the lens of my memories, of this sweet, pure and complex perception of the world as I knew it._

_You're the one, you are the only one.  
You know that when I say two sugars it actually means three.  
You were the one who told me that people's rough edges are beautiful and if you still believe that, if you can live with that, learn to love me again and take the good with all the bad, then I'd like a second chance. I don't know if you'll give me one, but I have to believe that I deserve one.  
We all do._

It's horrifying and unbearable, how much you can hate yourself for being weak and depressed. You couldn't save me, so I blamed you instead. All my pain suddenly became yours to bare. I shut you out because I was afraid that if you ever saw the real me, you'd stop loving me.  
I told you that I needed time, well, I had time. This was so stupid, I was so stupid.  
So here I am, in pieces, trying to prove to you that it's real, the softness in your smile, the humanity beneath my skin. I'm terrified, but I'm not leaping.'

Afraid that the email would bounce back, I immediately turned off the screen after pressing send.


	7. Family Reunion

The call from Alice hadn't come as a surprise, my only surprise was 30days worth of un-answered emails.

I pulled up to the Cullen's house, slightly after 8pm. I turned off the engine, but wasn't quite ready to get out.  
I could just imagine their eyes, watching me, fallowing me, judging me? Swallowing me whole.

"Hey!" I rolled down my window and to my dismay Rosalie peaked her head in. "Hey kid. I know you hate me and now I have a real reason to hate you too." I was just about to start my truck again. when I saw Alice standing in the doorway. She called out my name and smiled at me.  
Slowly but surely I got out of the car and started to walk towards her.

Alice held out her hand for me to take and I reached for it. She traced my hand with her fingers, it was just like an ordinary night. Only that what Alice and I had was anything but ordinary.  
I leaned forward and whispered in her ear: '_I am so, in love with you._' I then leaned back into her safe open arms. Like a sanctuary she held me, on a pedestal I stood. But my halo had gone missing that night when Edward had left me in the woods.

"How many times have you broken my heart now?" In frustration and confusion I looked up at her. "I don't know how to make it better and I swear you don't either." I didn't know what else to say. "It's okay. For a month, you wrote me an email, every day of the week. Bella, you're the best person I ever met."

She made me see how much I had missed her.

"Come on, let's go inside. They're waiting for you."

I sighed deeply as she dragged me inside.

"Alice, I can't do this. I can't face them, not after what I did to you." It didn't seem fair, for me to just re appear out of nowhere after I had hurt her so bad, more than once. She held my face firmly in place. "Look at me. I promise you, it's okay, alright? Okay?" she said and kissed my forehead.

Like a scared puppy, I walked behind her, holding my head down in shame.  
All of the things that I thought were so easy, just got harder and harder with each step.

"Bella." Esme and Carlisle greeted me with friendly smiles. Like a dork, I waved childishly. I saw Emmet in the corner of my eye, without a warning he ran up and gave me a bear hug. "Little sis, you've been missed. Glad you're back. You are, back, right?" A shy nod was all he needed to be certain.

And there he was, standing in the corner of the living room, eyes fixed on Alice.  
I felt like an outcast, in fact I was an outcast. My behaviour was nothing I could defend, but I at least had to try to defend myself, for the pain I had caused upon the family I loved so dearly.

"So, here's the secret. I love her. I love Alice and I tried everything except listening, I mean really listening. And I'm so ashamed of that, ashamed to tell her even." Alice clung on to my jacket.  
"This girl is so, amazing. She has 300 different types of smiles, they all light up my life. She laughs at her own jokes, she's clumsy and at times painfully awkward. She takes my breath away, literally. She gives me headaches like nobody else, she scares the life out of me." Her eyes were smiling as she looked at me and nuzzled into my neck, moving my hair to the side, she kissed my ear.  
"Most of all, she makes my heart skip a beat." Her cold lips met my ear again. "I love you." she whispered cautiously.

Edward scoffed.

"Can I talk to you?" To my surprise, the rest of the Cullens cleared the room. I stood alone with Edward. The distance between us had only grown.

"I used to know you so well, Bella."  
"No, you knew the girl in Alice's visions."  
"And that wasn't you?"  
"No, it wasn't me."  
"Okay, so my feelings, your dreams, the bond we shared? They were all lies? Was our love built on top of piles of endless lies?"  
"No! Not lies. I don't know what it was, emotional overload I guess."  
"So what now, what do we do with ourselves?"

Sometimes he would look at me as if I wasn't even there.

"It's really good to see you Edward, I've missed you horribly. I like when you're civilized."  
"And I like you sane and rational."

At times my life seems like a distant dream, like none of it is happening to me, it's just something that I read in a book.

"I don't fully understand how it works. Life, I mean. It's never going to get easy, I know that. Life's great, then it sucks and then it's great again. Life is sort of like, a disease. Yeah, it's a disease. Life is the bipolar-ness in me." I began to pull on my sleeves. "I'm just. I'm trying so hard to hide my scars from her, hide what's inside. I'm not doing such a good job."

He looked at me, with new eyes it seemed, like we had just been introduced to each other. "Okay, so look. I'm here and I'm standing without you. Your little '_lie_', brought me to stand without you, because I believed in it. I believed with all my heart that you didn't want me, that you didn't love me anymore. Guess what though, it feels good. _I_ feel good. That's what happens when you stop being a part of someones life, if only for a minute and then learn how to stand on your own for the first time.  
I do care for you Edward, I don't want you to think otherwise and I'd rather waste a lifetime pretending, than have to forget you for one whole minute. Just know that, my heart beats for, Alice."

He just stood there, dumbstruck, looking me up and down, judging me in silence.

"So you keep saying, but you're nothing to me, so why should I listen?"

I don't know what I'm fighting, but I'm fighting with my bare hands and I don't know for what, anymore.

* * *

****

Thank you guys so much for your comments - this is my first attempt at anything Twilight related.  
So the reads and everything is "muchly appreciated :)


	8. We Fall Like Dominos

"Well, good, cause I don't care either. You left me, okay? I didn't leave you."  
"It was for your own good, I did it out of love. Besides, you'd be dead if I hadn't."  
"You didn't do it out of love, Edward, you did it out of stupidity and your self indulgence. So tell me, did it boost you ego enough?" He was still looking at me as if I wasn't even there and it hurt so incredibly much.

"May I ask you a question? Why do you even care, are you my girlfriend?"  
"No." His eyes were continuously burning a hole through my body.

"Okay, so why do you care so much? It doesn't matter. My leaving you is irrelevant to the life you live now, Bella. I'm not even in it. So let's just bury it."  
"Are you asking me to bury my fairy tale ending? Because that won't happen. I have Alice now. She is _mine_ and I am _hers_." My words had no meaning, they were just lifeless letters, that would occasionally transform into words as i tried to sound them out.

"And both of you are lesbians."  
"And why does that even matter? Why is everything about labels, I'd rather not be put in a box based on who I love."  
"You're a girl in love with a girl, aren't you?" The fact that he was giving me crap over something that had absolutely nothing to do with him, would forever be part of the things I did not understand. How he could hate me so much for my decision, I would never fully understand.

"I am." At this point I was furious. I wanted to scream, I wanted to stomp my feet, yell and throw a tantrum. Luckily I was able to hold my ground.  
"Why does it matter? I'm still Bella." Nothing had changed, so what was he getting so strung out for?  
"And she's still Alice, yeah, I've heard this one before."

"The heart wants what it wants and if you dare to ever go against its wishes, then you may end up heartless and cold, like you."  
"Oh, ouch. Good thing it stopped beating years ago then, or else I'm guessing it would pull me towards you, it would beat for you. God forbid that ever happened again. I'd rather die a thousand deaths, before I'd go through that again." He if anyone, spoke the truth, but there was no reason for him to be so cold and heartless, he could at least act as if he had a soul.  
"Are we done here?"  
"You and I? More than you will ever know."

As I turned my back on the forever and always 17year old boy, whom I had once loved and adored, my devotion, my heart, stepped out of the shadows.  
"Hope I'm not interrupting anything?" Edward mumbled something under his breath, then cleared his throat. "I was just leaving." He said in a rush and with a quick and rapid pace he disappeared into the distance.  
"Bella, are you okay?" To this I smiled, like I wasn't going to satisfy her with a response, but I always do, although in all my distress I could only nod and smile.

"I'm okay. But right now, I want nothing more than to disappear, preferably sink through the earth. Oh , Alice. Why does he have to be such a jerk?"  
"Isn't it obvious? He's still in love with you" There was no way, there was just no way that Edward Cullen was still in love with me. "And you're still in love with him." What?! Didn't see that one coming. "I am NOT in love with Edward."

Alice pressed both of her hands -in the form of fists- against my chest and pushed me away. "Alice, this is hard for me , okay. Inside I feel..." I took a deep breath to calm my nerves. "I don't know. And how lonely are you when you can't even describe what you're feeling on the inside?"  
"I happen to like your insides. They're pure. Not childlike pure, or even innocent, they're just, pure. I like that."  
"You do?"  
"Silly, Bella. When will you realize that I will fallow you to the beginning, to relive our favorite parts. We get one shot, one chance. One family. Without family? We're nothing. They may not be perfect, but they're my family, I choose them."

Alice smirked. In that moment, the depths of the darkness seemed to swallow me whole. She caught me off guard when she gently grabbed my face. Her cold hands brought me back to reality. "Hm." I bit my lower lip, as Alice kissed my forehead I closed my eyes. "How long do you think it'd take to put a girl like me back together again?"  
"I have a feeling there's not enough glue in the world." I tried to smile, but ended up failing, miserably. "I'm getting older with every breath and I hate it. I hate it! Sometimes I feel like I'll never grow up and then I look at you and I know that I have to. Haven't you ever wished to be a child forever?"

She took my hands and dragged me over to the couch. "Sit" She demanded. I felt so miss understood and confused and... "Bella, look at me." And I did. Her flawless face drew me back in and I slightly hissed awkwardly. But she was used to it. As I leaned in to her, our foreheads met and my breathing became even more loud, how that was even possible was beyond me. I opened my mouth to speak and she took this as her chance. I was obviously caught off guard, once again, when Alice started to kiss me, which ultimately forced me to lean back.

With one hand pushing against her, not knowing if this was what I wanted, I got lost in the moment of pure happiness.


	9. Procrastination

My eyes snapped open, as I heard someone behind us clear their throat. "Hi, I'm, we were just... I have to go." I stumbled on my words and seemed to have fallen flat on my face. "Oh no, that won't be necessary, Bella." Even Esme, now seemed to be bothered by my presence. "Alice, can I talk to you for a minute?"

Alice got on her feet and withdrew her hands and slowly released her grip around my waist, finally coming to a complete release. "I'll be right back, sit tight."

I was somewhat afraid of the others coming up for a chat, when Alice was gone from my side. I had yet to work out a game plan. Like how could I possibly say 'I'm sorry' to a household full of vampires, who might not be out to kill me, anymore, but had all the right to hate me, in their own way.  
I sighed deeply and soon noticed that I was shivering, no wonder, the front door was wide open.

As I went to close it, a hand appeared out of nowhere and stopped me from doing so. "I'm expecting someone." I choked on my words. Rosalie still scared me. "Why do you hate me so much" She took a step closer, her presence was even more chilly than the cold air coming from outside. "He's my brother. You broke him down."

I had once loved that they were all so protective of each other, but this was a tad bit too much, because she was acting as if I was a nobody. When actually I was a somebody, a somebody very much involved.

"It hurts me to see him like this too, but I as also broken, if you care to remember that." Rosalie was determined to do whatever she could, to get me out of her family's lives. She would continue, until the pain in me was so big, that I wouldn't be able to feel anything. Even though her heart wasn't beating, there was so much evil, just waiting to come out and play. "Come on, pretty girl, loosen up, would you?" Standing there, in front of my ex boyfriends sister, my current girlfriends sister, made me, in every right, a bit uncomfortable.

My poor attempts at making things right, had been all other than obvious. First of all, how could things ever be, right? I turned my back on her, she leaned in as close as she could and whispered in my ear; "Stay away from Juliet, could you do that? One night, that's all he's asking." My mind went racing. "I don't. What? I don't know a Juliet." She chuckled, eyes piercing through mine. Rosalie ran her fingers though my somewhat messy hair and got stuck in the tangles. "Ow!" She gave me a slight nod, my neck failed me and turned on its own. "Alice."

_For never was a story of more regret, than this of Juliet and her fair Juliet._

"I have to go, I'll call you tomorrow, okay?" Alice reached out to touch my shoulder, I guess I pulled away, because she flinched.


	10. Sparkle Damnit

Once at home, Charlie had a million and one questions, I managed to dodge most of them by faking a migraine.

I couldn't focus my attention. Even though it was early, my bed was calling my name and I couldn't wait to see the inside of my eyelids. It had been a while since I'd had a good nights sleep. I got undressed and got under the covers. "Hi." a voice once so lovely and captivating, now only made me annoyed and aggravated.

"What are you doing here, Edward?" He moved closer, and finally joined me on the bed, which forced me to move into a sitting position. "What will it take to confess what we both know?" Always with the mind games. "You know that I will always be in love with you right until the end." His words made me want to puke. I covered my mouth in disgust.

Edward reached for my hand in the dark. "Even if you're a million miles away..." This wasn't happening, not again. "I can't live like this and I can't live without you." Love can really humiliate you and if we let it, we also let hatred cradle us. "You're not even alive."

"Please, Bella. Just tell me how to make it right again." _Make it right? Things could never be, right, again_.

"No, you're not gonna do this to me. For once I wish you could feel as bad as I did. I wish you could feel my pain. I want, your heart, to bleed and I want you to cry and realize what you lost. I want you to hurt, like I did. You didn't make a mistake, Edward. You made a choice and there's a big difference." I turned around and turned off the light and completely tuned him out, in hopes that he would disappear.

You know how you can tell when a vampire is lying? They present themselves to their victims as something other than what they are. They embrace us and use all their power of their seductive wiles to soothe and placate anxieties and then, they strike.

Eventually he left.

I woke up in a daze, hours later. Relieved that he wasn't sitting in a chair, staring at me, like he used to. I got up and went to the bathroom for a glass of water.

The girl looking back at me in the mirror, looked like a corpse. In reality, it was me. Nothing is ever built to last. Suddenly my eyes were covered. "Guess who." But I didn't have to guess, I never had to guess, because I always knew. "Alice." My fingers ran along the lines of her soft lips. "Are you real?" My hot breath merged with the coldness of her ever so soft skin. "What do you mean, am I real?"

Sometimes I would dream about her and it would all seem so real, but then when I opened my eyes, she was never there. "Bella? You pretending to make me up, is highly insulting." I dragged her with me to the bed. Without words, we crawled in together.

"Do you mind?" Her coldness never bothered me. I pulled her closer and sighed deeply. That's when she shocked me with; "Marry me?" and my heart almost stopped beating in my chest. "I can't." and I shouldn't have, it was the lamest response. "Why not?" and why couldn't I marry her? Why couldn't I? If I wanted it, why not let it be that easy? "It's too soon."

I had to change the subject and fast. "Let's go out."

"It's the middle of the night." Usually that didn't stop her. "So?" I swung my legs over the edge of the bed and started raiding my closet for something to wear. "What is up with you? Hey, Bella, look at me." I felt as fragile as I looked and would at this point do anything to avoid eye contact with the girl I loved.

"You're hiding something. It's burning through your eyes." I found a pair of gray skinny jeans and a turquoise and black plaid shirt.  
I knew that I always insisted on pulling her down, but always contradicting the fact that I needed her around. "This look okay?" Alice made a face. "Are you gonna come with?" I started to undress, knowing what she was thinking and I knew she was frowning and complaining on the inside. _'Bella, going out?'_ the jeans were a tight fit, but in a desperate attempt I managed to suck in my stomach. "Actually, no, but have a nice time." This was the absolute worst feeling. Alice was hurt, I could tell, because it was again, my fault.

As she passed me, she let her hand brush up against my leg and let it travel up my waist, for the softest of touches, her fingers ran through my hair. "Bring your cell." She left me hanging, in mid air. "Oh and Bella? You look good."


	11. Drink, Drank, Drunk

As I cautiously made my way out to my beat down, yet lovable, pickup truck, I thought of places to go. If I went to see Jacob, Alice wouldn't be able to track me and there really would be no point in that, plus, I'd have a lot of explaining to do. That was out of the question. I saw no La Push in my future, any time soon.

I settled for downtown Tacoma. Not too close, not too far away, just the perfect amount of distance.

I stopped outside, what looked like a descent bar, descent enough anyway. "ID?" the bouncer at the door, didn't look too happy. "Seriously?" Nonchalantly, I dug through my pockets, acting like I really was looking for a valid ID. "No ID? No happy hour for you, kid. Step aside." I moved out of the way, as he was checking the rest of the crowd, I snuck past him.

Once inside, I noticed how empty the place was.

"Well, aren't you jail bait?" I turned around to face the voice. "Actually, I'm Bella." The bartender snorted. "You're not old enough to drink, how did you even get in?" His eyes met mine and I felt uncomfortable. "I know people." _If only that were the case_. "People in high places, right? Yeah, that's what they all say. So, what can I get you?" Considering I wasn't a big drinker, hell, I wasn't even a drinker at all, I went with the simplest answer.

"Vodka cranberry?" came out, like word vomit, after having remembered a crazy random night out with Jessica, which had ended with me passed out on the bathroom floor and Jessica having to make up the worst story of all time. Friends and the lengths they will go for you.  
"Wow, living large are we?" Quickly I went through my wallet, scraping together whatever I could find. "No, on the contrary. What's the damage?" He raised his eyebrows and pressed his lips together for a split second. "12, but for you, free. A girl who drinks alone, should never have to pay." Flirting had never been my thing. I wasn't good at it, nor was I good at taking compliments. Like, what do you do with them? Let them bounce of you and throw them back, just to be nice?  
"Thank, you?" He smirked, his white teeth glistening in the dim lit room. "My shift ends in one hour, if you're still here I mean." I took a sip from my drink. It was just harmless flirting, if even, it meant absolutely nothing. Maybe a text to Alice would make up for it?

You know you're drunk when you have to close one eye to text. "Ugh, there should be a law against drunk texting." I said in hopes of having pressed the right Cullen in my address book. "Here." He said and snatched the phone out of my hand. "Alice?" I could feel my face light up when I heard him say her name. "Yeah, Alice. She's my girlfriend. Just write. You know what? Don't bother. She's here." The _oh so_ noticeable confusion spread quickly across his face. "How did she know where to find you? Selective hearing?" My drink had magically disappeared, along with the bartenders coolness factor. "Something like that." Before I knew it, the glass was full again.

"So, which one is yours then?"  
Didn't even have to turn around for this one. "See the short haired, cute petite pixie-like one? Way in the back?" I watched as his eyes crowd surfed, before landing on Alice. "Wow, you've scored yourself one cute lil' hottie." I looked at him in disbelief. "She's walking over, should I leave?" Maybe changing teams hadn't been such a bad idea after all. At least not if all guys were the same. "I would leave if I were you, who knows, she might drain you on blood." '_What?_!' he mouthed.

The bartender left and Alice sat down beside me. "So. You're drinking now?" She leaned in and smelled my breath. "Bella, you're, drunk." _Was I really? A drink and a half and I was a classified alcoholic? Wait, what did she say? _"I'm going to give you an ultimatum. Either you come with me now and I'll help you through, whatever this is. Or, you stay here and devour the next idiot who even looks your way. What's it gonna be?" I pointed to her and laid my hand on her chest, where her heart once upon a time used to beat so fiercely.

"Have you ever tried sleeping with a broken heart?" In one quick motion, Alice brought me up to my feet and forcefully pushed me towards the exit. "Alice! Come on, it was all very innocent, you can't really be mad at me, I didn't do anything." She stopped to look at me.  
"I know you didn't do anything and do you know why?" _Of course, __she__ had stopped me_. "Oh god. Now I feel worse that I did before coming here." Alice started to speed up, but automatically slowed her steps as she noticed I was dragging behind.

"Are you tired? Can I buy you a cup of coffee?" My body was numb and I was cold and could use a pick me up, which by this point, definitely, was caffeine. "I need a coffee." My eyes, locked on the ground, refused to meet hers. "Yeah? Well I need a penny." Afraid to make any sort of physical contact. "A penny? A penny for what?" Afraid to say the wrong things, again. "Your thoughts." She smiled, and it was the first smile I'd gotten from her all night. My insides warmed up and my heart was beating mad crazy.

We walked side by side, down the noisy streets of downtown Tacoma. The reason I had chosen Tacoma, was simply for the fact that the chances of me running into a familiar face, was practically slim to none.  
My staggering attempts at walking must have looked just as awkward and retarded as I felt. Alice discretely and gently slid her hand into mine, a simple gesture of forgiveness, which in the end meant so much more. "This is the best feeling in the world. This moment right here. You. Me. This. I wish it could last forever. This moment. Me, and you. Forever."

Alice put her arm around my already shivering body. "Is your heart still broken because of my brother?" Edward was the least of my worries, she kept bringing him up. "What? No! Of course not. I don't know why it's broken, it just is." and I kept rejecting him, like the sick masochistic lion that he was. "Maybe together, we can mend it." She kissed me on the forehead, my eyes closed, but only for a second and in that second, I remembered what it was like to be loved.

Seeing her perfectly pallid lips, and still being able to feel the softness of them on my skin, was sensational. Her fingers danced through my hair, such sensual touches. She pulled me in for a long lasting hug and I felt so safe in her arms. I couldn't help but to lean in close enough to feel her breath on me. "I love you." She whispered into the night, the breeze stole her words away, but they were mine, always.

Our lips finally touched and we melted into each other.  
The only thing keeping me on my feet, was her arms locked around me.


End file.
